The Master Story Teller

I sat with an elderly woman one evening as she narrated a story that seared through me. She was a rather calm woman, but radiated an energy that spoke of a past laden with wisdom. She was dressed in a very simple black gown and a white scarf flowed over her hair. Her stare would drive through the staunches of men while plaguing anyone with a sense of fear; but it was a fear that drew you near with curiousity.

I listened closely and she began,

"A man was making his sacred pilgrimage to the afterlife - he was dressed in a white shroud and lowered slowly into the earth while his loved ones starred. He was well aware of what was happening and witnessed everyone's unique actions. Some cried, others starred into the distance, several wailed and many breathed deeply. He was a man that was well respected and evoked the emotions of all those he touched.

He clenched tightly with him a book of history. It appeared to be a source of comfort as he lay lifeless in earth that grew tighter with every passing moment. He was then approached by a group of strange looking beings; looked similar to humans but their race & gender could not be distinguished. They asked him a number of questions and each one he answered in the affirmative.

Then passed years and events that struck degrees of peace and anxiety and within a matter of moments, he stood alone in a place that dumbfounded him. It wasn't bound by the elements, and time was not an issue. He clenched that book of history with his dear life and was soon approached by a few men cloaked in gowns made from something other than cloth. It appeared that they were entirely enshrouded in a pleasant warm light. They looked at him and said,

"What's that you have clenched so tightly?"

He said, "it's a book I was given as I was breathing my last"

The 2 men looked at him, smiled and said, "a story perhaps? We are not bound by time anymore, would you mind reading it to us?"

He than realized that it was the day he heard so much about. The day that many people thought was just an old myth. He now realized this was a day that was the definition of reality; it was his judgment.

He started to ease his grip on the book and looked at the front cover; it was bound by brown leather and had no title - but his name was inscribed in tiny gold letters at the bottom right hand corner. He opened it began to read as the 2 men listened carefully to every detail. He spoke of all things beautiful, embarrassing, deceitful, painful, treacherous, glorious, difficult, comical, shameful, enlightening, fearful, and finally anxiety stricken.

He closed the book and the two men stood up and uttered a plea to their Master,

"We seek to intercede on behalf of this believer. We ask, in all humility, to forgive him of his transgressions and show him your highest degree of mercy. He toiled and slaved without asking for any reward. We request that you overlook his shortcomings and give him the pleasure of your nearness. His words and actions matured with his years until they eventually reached harmony. His sins are a plenty - but his good deeds reached the hearts of many and he has sown the seeds of belief in the land that flourished even after he journeyed to the afterlife. Dear Master, do you accept?"

At this point, the elderly woman stopped narrating the story and looked towards me and said,

"do you see the value of this story?"

"What is it?" I uttered.

"Nothing goes to the grave with you, except your story. Your history, your deeds, words, actions and intentions are the only possessions worthy of your toil. Journey to the afterlife with that book clenched tightly, because your story will be your only asset."

You are a Humble Queen Amongst Peasants

Thank you for reminding me of my humanity,
Much gratitude for the blessed wisdom aged with humility,
Vulnerable is what you are,
Reduced to my knees is what I've become,
My heart fills my body with serenity and extacy,
I beg for freedom from bliss,
knowing, knowing, oh dear Lord, such bitter knowledge
Bliss that will never manifest and reduced to emotionless memory - destined to fade into nothingness
From the guiding light of heaven, my heart begs the question - what ever have I done to be given the taste of bliss - knowing I'll never drown in its extasy.
For the sake of perspective,
my mind recieved inspiration as such
Grateful am I - for life is grand.

Breaking the Wall

Running is incredibly boring for the average person. Taking strides, street after street can be very unstimulating for some. Then there are people who appreciate the freedom of long distance running. It's your time to get a lot of thinking done while you train yourself to run longer and harder. It's the hour of freedom from the world as you zero in on your body; your brain chanting and motivating you to run harder and to never quit.

Us runners are aware of something, it's called the wall. It's the point of complete physical exhaustion. You try to run & your body refuses to move. Your mind's prowess cannot overcome the intimidating wall & you essentially give up. Some people carry on walking, other try to run & it's usually embarrassing.

However, in the midst of all your exhaustion and pain as you try to move past the wall - it suddenly shatters under its own weight & heroically, you blast off as if you were at the peak of your endurance. This is the golden moment for us runners - where our minds have given up - our bodies have haulted & in a short second - you've igniting and taken off like a wolf.

As you're aware, this is all metaphor for my topic of discussion: it is, "surpassing your limitations" - I will write more tomorrow as for now, I'm exhausted.

Wishes & Dreams

Never have I laid my head to rest and dreamt of anything worldly.

All my fantasies are simple & attainable.

Never have I turned my head towards my Lord and asked for anything luxiours & unnecessary.

Have I ever owned anything which brought me contentment?

Never.

I gaze at the ornaments that distract me from my goal & eventually realize they serve no purpose t me.

But I still look at them with adornment & cling to it like a fool.

I then open my eyes and realize that reality is beyond the glitter which eluded my soul.

I sit back and think deeply; I dwelve deeply into the abyss of my shallow heart and realize my dreams & wishes

All I ever crave is be the champion of my own self,

Conquerer & Emperor of my battles

I look towards my long time companion,

The friend whose betrayed me, and I blindly wander back to him like a fool & listen to his words of faux wisdom.

He averts me from my dreams & makes me forget that I am a man of foresight

The stupor of intoxication is like the cloud that hides the sun from it's audience - it's confuses their mood for only a little while

Only hope and faith reminds me that the sun will shine through - and only then will I realize, that I never needed the sun to dream.

All I needed was a litte clarity & a good nights rest.

I've made my decision & I stand by it.

I never make a deicision independently.

That's just plain foolish.

I consult a man that has comforted me when the dark hour of the night brought out my vulnerability; His name is Zain ul Abedeen [peace be upon him].

My relationship with him started 6 years ago when I searched high & low for solace. I was the luckiest man alive to come across a man who was named "the crowning prince of the worshippers". When I met him, I realized not who he was, although I could tell his soul beamed so brightly - a light so bright - that it shook you at the very core.

He didn't speak much, he was quiet man and only spoke through paper. I asked him questions & he stood there and handed me a book. I looked at it's glittering red cover and gold lettering which stated "as sahafa as sajiddiya".

"hmmm....the psalms of the prostrating", I muttered.

The book was written for those who took comfort in praying and supplicating while their heads touched the ground. I guess he knew I was one of them, I deeply respected the institution of prostration; my hero's advocated it.

I opened the book and there it was....a simple supplication for the person who understands they are not alone in the decision making process.

Zain Al Abedeen [peace be upon him] read the supplication to me and I followed shortly after him - I admired him and was so compelled by his sweet & strong nature that I wanted to abandon my life and become his servant.

I sat down and read the supplication where it stated mans need for help and protection. It went deep into me and showed me that I was never independent in my deicision making - that I needed Allah to decide what to do when I come to a cross roads. Allah, the master of my micro universe, guides my decisions so I may follow through with the best case scenario for myself & those whom I affiliate with.

This is why I stand by my decisions - this is why, whenever I have nightly conversations with Shaytan, I remind him that it was not just me who decided to live the way I do now, it is my Master - Allah, that hath put me here. I am honoured with what I've been commanded to do and I take pride in the situations I am put in.

Indepence is a bullsh*t term, it was coined to fool people that they were the centre of the universe & all revolves around them. We are dependent upon each other and inevitably dependent upon the One.

Thank you Zain ul Abedeen for giving me a bridge to cross into Allah's kingdom.

The Pangs of Vicarious Living

Living vicariously, or having others live vicariously through you is dangerous. The lifestyle I'm talking about is when you are fulfilling the duties and commitments of those who've stepped out of the picture because they couldn't bare the sitation they were in. The nature of your situation "volun-told"you to absorb the struggle of others.

I've been doing this for quite some time, and only recently has Shaytan conversed with me about it. He [or maybe she] tried to convince me that I don't have to live like this anymore. Only recently, has my friendly enemy sat me down in the midst of night, explaning to me that I need to do what is in my best....selfish interests.

What he explain sounded near logical. Like most humans, you do what is in your interests - you do what is best for you and you decide what you need for yourself. I did something about 3 years ago - I somehow convinced myself that selfless living, is the only way to live. I've managed to turn a lifestyle of selfless service into a selfish passion.

Some might commend a person whose taken on such a role. I questioned the philosophy, thinking I might have put a spell on myself.

Shaytan kept talking - he continued siting next me at the edge of my bed as he offered me a sense of cold contentment. He had me in an intellectual lockdown, I believed him. I thought....just for a moment - even the spiritual master spends time to focus on what is in his selfish interests.

I looked up at Shaytan and asked him,

"If selfless living is an unfulfilling way to live - than why has it bore so many grandoise achievements?"

He then said to me,

"Are you telling me, that you the emptiness inside you is an achievement?"

I paused to quell the frustration and rebutted,

"what champion hasn't been through struggle before he became the master of what God placed in front of him?"

Shaytan stayed quiet, he got up and straightened his suitjacket and walked away. But he left his impression on me. He offered me the chance to decide selfishly for once in my life....I then questioned, was it him or I who offered that proposal?

I just know that I need a little more energy to fulfill my duties as the man I want to be; however, for the time being - I'm in need of a break.

It's Just the Nature of the Situation

I make errors.

I admit it.

Sometimes, they're a result of poor judgement, other times they're due to mindless laziness & other times, due to being naiive.

My social circle is rather large & therefore, I don't have many intimate [close] friends other than the members of my family. Therefore, I SOMETIMES consult them on matters - but due to my stubborn [Obsessive need to complete a task I started] nature, I take my own route. My parents lay claim that I was like that since childhood; I take advice, and do whatever I rationalize. Like other humans, my rationale isn't always sound, - I'm usually driven by the utilitarian thought process, which is the need to consider "the greater good" & other times, I'm driven by impulse.

The other day, I failed to make a quick move; a move that would be considered logical to most people, but to my lazy & somewhat naiive nature - it wasn't something that crossed my mind. I got some heat for it and rightly so. But, I learned my lesson - one that I wont forget & I'm glad I went through it.

I took a hard look into my life and like most men, I tried to focus the blame on someone else; I realized that was stupid and I reassessed the reason why I'm not the manly, alpha [fu*king] male most people want me to be.

I spoke to my mother about my personal dissapointment and told her,

"Mama, I'm not content with the way I am. I don't like the way I make decisions and feel that I'm not as mature as I need to be."

She spoke to me, as if she knew I was trying to blame her and she was graceful. She didn't respond the way I wanted her to, she said,

"whatever happens, just be grateful and content"

As usual, that brought back a sense of self-satisfaction knowing that, I am who I am and I should be content with that.

But, by inheriting from my father an extreme/overt sense of self-criticism - I couldnt help by feel bothered. In the midst of that insanity I made 1 rational theory: It's just the nature of the situation.

I thought - the situation that I'm currently in is the best-case scenario. Out of all the situations that I could have been, this was the better one. The nature of the situation, nurtured me. No situation will garner what I consider to be the best case scenario; however, it is what I need. I felt relieved and I sincerely appologized to my mother for my lack of gratitude and as most mothers, she accepted.

I think overt self-criticism will be the death of me if I don't stop.