Wednesday, January 27, 2010

It's Just the Nature of the Situation

I make errors.

I admit it.

Sometimes, they're a result of poor judgement, other times they're due to mindless laziness & other times, due to being naiive.

My social circle is rather large & therefore, I don't have many intimate [close] friends other than the members of my family. Therefore, I SOMETIMES consult them on matters - but due to my stubborn [Obsessive need to complete a task I started] nature, I take my own route. My parents lay claim that I was like that since childhood; I take advice, and do whatever I rationalize. Like other humans, my rationale isn't always sound, - I'm usually driven by the utilitarian thought process, which is the need to consider "the greater good" & other times, I'm driven by impulse.

The other day, I failed to make a quick move; a move that would be considered logical to most people, but to my lazy & somewhat naiive nature - it wasn't something that crossed my mind. I got some heat for it and rightly so. But, I learned my lesson - one that I wont forget & I'm glad I went through it.

I took a hard look into my life and like most men, I tried to focus the blame on someone else; I realized that was stupid and I reassessed the reason why I'm not the manly, alpha [fu*king] male most people want me to be.

I spoke to my mother about my personal dissapointment and told her,

"Mama, I'm not content with the way I am. I don't like the way I make decisions and feel that I'm not as mature as I need to be."

She spoke to me, as if she knew I was trying to blame her and she was graceful. She didn't respond the way I wanted her to, she said,

"whatever happens, just be grateful and content"

As usual, that brought back a sense of self-satisfaction knowing that, I am who I am and I should be content with that.

But, by inheriting from my father an extreme/overt sense of self-criticism - I couldnt help by feel bothered. In the midst of that insanity I made 1 rational theory: It's just the nature of the situation.

I thought - the situation that I'm currently in is the best-case scenario. Out of all the situations that I could have been, this was the better one. The nature of the situation, nurtured me. No situation will garner what I consider to be the best case scenario; however, it is what I need. I felt relieved and I sincerely appologized to my mother for my lack of gratitude and as most mothers, she accepted.

I think overt self-criticism will be the death of me if I don't stop.


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