Monday, February 01, 2010
The Pangs of Vicarious Living
Living vicariously, or having others live vicariously through you is dangerous. The lifestyle I'm talking about is when you are fulfilling the duties and commitments of those who've stepped out of the picture because they couldn't bare the sitation they were in. The nature of your situation "volun-told"you to absorb the struggle of others.
I've been doing this for quite some time, and only recently has Shaytan conversed with me about it. He [or maybe she] tried to convince me that I don't have to live like this anymore. Only recently, has my friendly enemy sat me down in the midst of night, explaning to me that I need to do what is in my best....selfish interests.
What he explain sounded near logical. Like most humans, you do what is in your interests - you do what is best for you and you decide what you need for yourself. I did something about 3 years ago - I somehow convinced myself that selfless living, is the only way to live. I've managed to turn a lifestyle of selfless service into a selfish passion.
Some might commend a person whose taken on such a role. I questioned the philosophy, thinking I might have put a spell on myself.
Shaytan kept talking - he continued siting next me at the edge of my bed as he offered me a sense of cold contentment. He had me in an intellectual lockdown, I believed him. I thought....just for a moment - even the spiritual master spends time to focus on what is in his selfish interests.
I looked up at Shaytan and asked him,
"If selfless living is an unfulfilling way to live - than why has it bore so many grandoise achievements?"
He then said to me,
"Are you telling me, that you the emptiness inside you is an achievement?"
I paused to quell the frustration and rebutted,
"what champion hasn't been through struggle before he became the master of what God placed in front of him?"
Shaytan stayed quiet, he got up and straightened his suitjacket and walked away. But he left his impression on me. He offered me the chance to decide selfishly for once in my life....I then questioned, was it him or I who offered that proposal?
I just know that I need a little more energy to fulfill my duties as the man I want to be; however, for the time being - I'm in need of a break.