Wishes & Dreams

Never have I laid my head to rest and dreamt of anything worldly.

All my fantasies are simple & attainable.

Never have I turned my head towards my Lord and asked for anything luxiours & unnecessary.

Have I ever owned anything which brought me contentment?

Never.

I gaze at the ornaments that distract me from my goal & eventually realize they serve no purpose t me.

But I still look at them with adornment & cling to it like a fool.

I then open my eyes and realize that reality is beyond the glitter which eluded my soul.

I sit back and think deeply; I dwelve deeply into the abyss of my shallow heart and realize my dreams & wishes

All I ever crave is be the champion of my own self,

Conquerer & Emperor of my battles

I look towards my long time companion,

The friend whose betrayed me, and I blindly wander back to him like a fool & listen to his words of faux wisdom.

He averts me from my dreams & makes me forget that I am a man of foresight

The stupor of intoxication is like the cloud that hides the sun from it's audience - it's confuses their mood for only a little while

Only hope and faith reminds me that the sun will shine through - and only then will I realize, that I never needed the sun to dream.

All I needed was a litte clarity & a good nights rest.

I've made my decision & I stand by it.

I never make a deicision independently.

That's just plain foolish.

I consult a man that has comforted me when the dark hour of the night brought out my vulnerability; His name is Zain ul Abedeen [peace be upon him].

My relationship with him started 6 years ago when I searched high & low for solace. I was the luckiest man alive to come across a man who was named "the crowning prince of the worshippers". When I met him, I realized not who he was, although I could tell his soul beamed so brightly - a light so bright - that it shook you at the very core.

He didn't speak much, he was quiet man and only spoke through paper. I asked him questions & he stood there and handed me a book. I looked at it's glittering red cover and gold lettering which stated "as sahafa as sajiddiya".

"hmmm....the psalms of the prostrating", I muttered.

The book was written for those who took comfort in praying and supplicating while their heads touched the ground. I guess he knew I was one of them, I deeply respected the institution of prostration; my hero's advocated it.

I opened the book and there it was....a simple supplication for the person who understands they are not alone in the decision making process.

Zain Al Abedeen [peace be upon him] read the supplication to me and I followed shortly after him - I admired him and was so compelled by his sweet & strong nature that I wanted to abandon my life and become his servant.

I sat down and read the supplication where it stated mans need for help and protection. It went deep into me and showed me that I was never independent in my deicision making - that I needed Allah to decide what to do when I come to a cross roads. Allah, the master of my micro universe, guides my decisions so I may follow through with the best case scenario for myself & those whom I affiliate with.

This is why I stand by my decisions - this is why, whenever I have nightly conversations with Shaytan, I remind him that it was not just me who decided to live the way I do now, it is my Master - Allah, that hath put me here. I am honoured with what I've been commanded to do and I take pride in the situations I am put in.

Indepence is a bullsh*t term, it was coined to fool people that they were the centre of the universe & all revolves around them. We are dependent upon each other and inevitably dependent upon the One.

Thank you Zain ul Abedeen for giving me a bridge to cross into Allah's kingdom.

The Pangs of Vicarious Living

Living vicariously, or having others live vicariously through you is dangerous. The lifestyle I'm talking about is when you are fulfilling the duties and commitments of those who've stepped out of the picture because they couldn't bare the sitation they were in. The nature of your situation "volun-told"you to absorb the struggle of others.

I've been doing this for quite some time, and only recently has Shaytan conversed with me about it. He [or maybe she] tried to convince me that I don't have to live like this anymore. Only recently, has my friendly enemy sat me down in the midst of night, explaning to me that I need to do what is in my best....selfish interests.

What he explain sounded near logical. Like most humans, you do what is in your interests - you do what is best for you and you decide what you need for yourself. I did something about 3 years ago - I somehow convinced myself that selfless living, is the only way to live. I've managed to turn a lifestyle of selfless service into a selfish passion.

Some might commend a person whose taken on such a role. I questioned the philosophy, thinking I might have put a spell on myself.

Shaytan kept talking - he continued siting next me at the edge of my bed as he offered me a sense of cold contentment. He had me in an intellectual lockdown, I believed him. I thought....just for a moment - even the spiritual master spends time to focus on what is in his selfish interests.

I looked up at Shaytan and asked him,

"If selfless living is an unfulfilling way to live - than why has it bore so many grandoise achievements?"

He then said to me,

"Are you telling me, that you the emptiness inside you is an achievement?"

I paused to quell the frustration and rebutted,

"what champion hasn't been through struggle before he became the master of what God placed in front of him?"

Shaytan stayed quiet, he got up and straightened his suitjacket and walked away. But he left his impression on me. He offered me the chance to decide selfishly for once in my life....I then questioned, was it him or I who offered that proposal?

I just know that I need a little more energy to fulfill my duties as the man I want to be; however, for the time being - I'm in need of a break.